Find more of them

One of my favorite bloggers is Sarah from Anonymous Was A Woman.  You should really follow her on twitter because her feed is equal parts entertaining, relatable, and profound.  She posted a blog the other day with just this to say, which I loved:

There are people out there who will never, ever, ever give up on you. Find more of them.

Arbitrary Epoch

last night's epic sunset in Fullerton

It shames me to admit that it sometimes takes the heartache of another to put my own gloom into perspective.  Being an over-analyzer that lives alone sometimes builds up inconsequential occurrences into a big deal (mostly because my disappointment in myself knows no boundaries).  I realize that September 26 holds no significance, but I'm using it as the day I actively pursue some goals of mine.  I need to get my act together, y'all:

1. lose 10 lbs (hopefully before 2013)
2. start or end my days in prayer (hopefully both)
3. limit eating out for lunch (I'm finally keeping a strict budget)
4. stay in touch with my friends better (at least one dinner per work week)
5. stop stressing out about money and retirement (or as my mother tells me, "relax already!")
6. learn patience
7. put others before myself (without being a doormat...which my mother also accuses me of)
8. stop being so selfish with my family's time (I've been known to get irritated when my parents don't have time for my calls, and when they can't shift their schedule around spending time with me)
9. trust my gut instead of listening to advice of my friends (I've been trying to change according to what people think I should do/say but I know myself too well for that)
10. be more than self-aware: make change (I often know when I'm feeling irrationally emotional or how I did wrong, or why I am the way I am - but am too stubborn to fix it)

Autumn's arrival to my kitchen

I've been in a bit of a funk for the past few days- doing that thing where you replay all the stupid things you did and said and wait for the shame, regret, and humiliation to dry up.  Unfortunately, nothing could really get me out of my gloom - not music, rest, movies, or sweets.  I spent most of my weekend in bed, avoiding the world (and catching up on the 18 hours of sleep I missed while in San Diego last week).  One small bright patch in my Sunday was trying out some new recipes.

I ignored the fact that it was 90 degrees this weekend, and focused on the fact that Autumn is finally here!  Both of the new recipes I tried involved pumpkin, which got me really in the mood.

pumpkin risotto - recipe found here

pumpkin spice crème brûlée (my first time using a torch!), recipe found here

roasted asparagus aka my favorite late night snack

I'm just in a place where I want to get out of my own head!  I can usually drown it out with music, or find something else to distract me, but nothing is perking me up this time.  I am terrible at letting things go, so I should take this as an opportunity to practice doing just that but instead here I am, woken up in the middle of the night by my sulking.  I'm just glad I'm not really letting it seep into the other areas of my life, and I'm not burdening anyone with it (or am I just too embarrassed?).

This too shall pass.

Something worth changing...or saving?

my gorgeous view on my drive to LA on Saturday

I'm fortunate to have a few people in my life that care about me enough to be painfully honest with me.  People to point out when I am being unfair to others and myself.  My ultimate goal in life is to be happy - which has nothing to do with circumstance or accomplishing a specific goal.  It is my belief that one step to getting there is becoming the best version of myself.  However, my desires and selfishness, my impatience and stubbornness, often get priority.  I'm highly aware of the fact that my generation is often defined by our insistence on instant gratification, and I am often guilty of possessing this immature quality.

I want to be a more centered, calm, compassionate, kind person...but sometimes I wonder if I want to change because I want to make a good impression.  I worry that in all this effort for change, if I'm losing a part of myself. I understand that I'm rather loud.  I never run out of things to say.  I blurt out too much personal information about myself.  I'm maybe a little too honest.  I expect way too much from people - especially my close friends and family.  I often take the role of victim.  I can be incredibly self aware but refuse to let my own rationality and good advice sink in.  I take things too personally and I get too emotional.  Is some of that something worth saving?  Am I fighting my true nature or just finally growing up?

I'm striving for healthier relationships, to become more generous, to be a person of worth.  I feel like I can't seek, and have no right to seek, the good relationships I want with people until I can become someone deserving of love.  I want to give more than I receive, to support people without judgment, and make people happy.  I want to be proud of who I am, not just what I've accomplished.

At the same time, I want to surround myself with people who like me for me, and don't mind the growing pains.  People who not only play devil's advocate, or point out when I'm being a moron or a martyr but can see the good in me when I can't...it's hard because I feel like this is too much to ask at times.  It's something that has to be earned, and it's hard to find people who have the patience for it, who will stop and take the time.  Right now...it feels rather impossible.

Chicken & Cupcakes

I can't really explain it, but there's something about cooking that is incredibly rewarding.  It relaxes me.  It allows me to express my affection for someone.  It makes me feel independent.  The only problem is - I rarely have anyone to cook for (leaving me with spoiled leftovers).  Last week I tweaked a favorite roasted chicken recipe, which came out delicious.  However, I was left with pounds of chicken, so I made one of my favorite dinners: chicken and rice soup.  It may be basic, but it's still delicious and makes you feel a bit more like Autumn. (all photos are unedited)

Recipes found here for the chicken and rice soup and here for the browned butter cupcakes and here for the cocoa cinnamon buttercream frosting

Easy like Friday evening

Last Friday, I had planned out a great date for myself: the (closing) James Bond exhibit at LACMA, and a limited release movie in the theater.  I came to my senses and ditched all that to hang out with my friend Jamie and his girlfriend Rochelle.

Jamie is one of the greats- he dispenses wise advice, has lots of patience, keeps you in check by making fun of you, and is extremely honest.  He allowed me to chat his ear off the entire ride down to Orange County.

I was really happy to make the trip down, so that I could spend time with Rochelle - she is the sweetest.  She's one of those people that makes you feel comfortable instantly, she's got some intangible quality that makes her a people magnet.  I love that she doesn't take herself too seriously and can be silly, but is also a great listener.

I almost made us late by whipping up a last-minute batch of pumpkin spice cookies (Autumn is nearly here!), but it was worth it because they turned out delicious.  We gobbled them up while going out to a coffee shop before hitting up Jamie's improve show, where she takes care of the sound.  It was a lovely, mellow evening.

Labor Day

So the lighting and everything about this pictures totally sucks but I really wanted to snap some candids of my family (my church family).   Posting these to share with the gang - I love being around them, they make me feel so loved and good about just being me.  Everyone needs people like that in their lives.