Say Anything...is a real boy

a sunrise from this week

"I talk, therefore I am"

I feel like my life and I are in fluctuating states of mess and chaos. Some days, I wear this as a badge of honor - as it means that I am also in a constant state of change and newness (two things I'm not the best with). Other times (a great many of times), I wish I could skip to the part where I have most things figured out. The place where the opinions, words, or what I perceive to be how others feel about me, cannot sway me.

As for now, I've developed a new coping mechanism: angry (or angry-ish) music. It's probably not healthy, but for now it works. I'd rather choose to funnel any and all emotions to anger, which as a positive by-product, sometimes leads me to feel empowered. As I've mentioned in the past, I turn nearly every feeling into tears; stress, joy for others, insecurity, and rejection are all culprits. I'm tired of being that girl, one that gets so affected by others and situations I can't control.

I'd rather not believe that someone would make me feel upset in any way intentionally. Even if they did, it shouldn't be my problem either way. Though I know this logically, it doesn't always (or frequently) sink in.

As they say, "youth is wasted on the young." Unfortunately, I'm making this true in my own life. I find myself resenting my lack of life experience. I can't blame my age for much though, my inability to know when to shut up, my propensity to be self-absorbed, and many other faults are all my responsibility and cannot be blamed on my naïveté.

An almost love letter

My dear friend,

I know that you are broken, but I wish you could see that it's not all of who you are. In rare vulnerable moments, I see glimpses of the beautiful, loving person inside with so much to offer the world.

I don't think I can fix you, even if I would like to make it my responsibility. It's something that's got to come from within you. The thing is, it seems like you're stuck in this dark place but nothing is going to be different until you decide it is. You accept this life of disconnect, almost that you aren't deserving of something more. This entrapment you find yourself in is of your own design.

You are more than worthy, you can get back to every good thing you were before and grow into more. Be brave enough to refuse the pain people try to give you. Turn it into fuel, into strength, and break down the walls. Opening yourself up to feel is a scary thing. It brings the potential for hurt, but the hurt makes life real. Opening yourself also allows you the opportunity to receive good and beauty in your life, none of which you could recognize the worth of without the pain.

I know that none of this is my place to tell you. I know there isn't much I know about you and your life (you won't let me), but I care about you. It may not make sense, as is often the case with me, but when I let people into my heart even in the tiniest of ways, I can't help but feel love for them - especially when they don't want me to, especially when it's bad for me.

I'm not aiming to make personal gain from this, and I don't expect anything from you. All I want is for you to feel whole enough to share yourself with the world again because the world could always do with more beauty.

All of my love,

-H

Quite a view from the top

This little man brings a smile to my face every day

I'm not quite sure why this popped into my head, but today I had a thought: I am more whole than I am broken. I'm not certain of when this happened - for so long, my brokenness defined me. It skewed my perspective on myself and the world around me.

This isn't to say that I don't still have dark moments, days in which my fears and insecurities take center stage. The difference now is that I don't let them swallow me. I can always find a light to guide me out. Even when my plans fall apart, I have an unwritten future to hang on to. Although it may not feel like it, I've always got to believe that I have time to change it all, to change into the best version of myself (or at the very least a better one).

Everything in my life that falls outside of the ideal only serves to refocus me on all the blessings I have. It's easy to forget about all the people who truly love you and see all the good things you have to offer the world. I've spent so much time trying to love myself and to like the person I am right now - including all my flaws and the parts of me I'm trying to change. It's so easy to think of myself as a terrible, unworthy person instead of a good person who at times makes bad decisions and wrong choices.

Having faith in myself is a struggle, but I've finally reached a point where my whole life isn't about that struggle. I am able to live more presently, to see outside of myself. When I take stock of my life, I see all of my blessings. I am constantly in awe all of the good that I have been given and I wonder why me? Why do I have such a good life when so many others are so much worse off?

It's what has me believe that I'm meant for something great, I'm meant to do good. I'm perfectly comfortable living a small, boring life - but it is my responsibility to affect other people. Before I die, all I want is to change people's lives in a positive way and spread the wealth. I want to make people smile and to make them feel loved. It may be a small life, but one that I find worthy and full of dignity.

A Love Letter to the Happiest Place on Earth

This isn't going to come out right, as I have a way of mucking up my words, but posts about Disneyland are sort of my love letters to it.  A way I can memorialize all that it stands for me: friendship, solace, and magic.  It's a familiar place, one that I feel comfortable in (a rarity for my awkward, anxious self) and one where I can take a break from reality and enjoy myself.  I've spent time there bonding with my little brother, rare afternoons where my father took time away from work to be with me, laughed with my friends until my stomach hurt, and stolen kisses in the darkness of rides.  This place will always remain special to me, and I hope that I can one day share it with my own child.  Now let's get on with this entirely-too-long post, shall we?














































































  Bonus! Two awesome GIFs! \    

In this moment

In this moment, I feel very excited and grateful for the life I've built for myself.  I'm more blessed than I deserve, stronger than I previously believed, and have so far to go.

A New Year

my NYE outfit

Maybe I've been unaware in the past, but I feel that there's an unadulterated, raging enthusiasm about the new year, more than in years past.  People are making promises, resolutions, and getting excited about being better versions of themselves.  As I said in the past, I think January 1st is a bit of an arbitrary time to bring change in your life.  Although I can see how it feels natural, I also feel that it serves as an excuse to wait until that certain day to become the person you want to be (I'm far too impatient for that).

I made a few goals for myself in September, which I laid out on this blog.  I'm using the beginning of 2013 to reflect on said goals, and I think it's time to add a few.  Most of the things I set out to change, I have turned around entirely - though a few others are a bit more slow-going.  Instead of putting out strict guidelines for this year, I've decided to make vague resolutions.  I don't want to feel disappointed by deterring from rules I've set out for myself; I find that change made cold turkey is change that doesn't quite stick.  I'm looking to evolve myself at an intuitive pace.  Here goes:

1.  Make time for friends, especially when it feels inconvenient
2.  Continue to make healthy choices without depriving myself from moderate indulgences
3.  Take more pictures
4.  Visit LACMA more
5.  Believe in myself
6.  Read more books, especially classics
7.  Learn to be less high-strung, and to take what comes
8.  Complain less
9.   Slowly eliminate soda and fake sugars
10. Embark on some DIY projects (especially for the home)

A new year, but the same me - and I'm not even a little bit disheartened about it